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February 15, 2023

‘Whats love got to do with it’? and why I don’t like the month of February!

It is a bit of a different blog today folks! I decided to let you all in to a little bit more of my personal life. Why? Because it fits with this blog basically! And I realised yesterday that the vast majority of you lovely people that subscribe to this blog – I don’t know you! Yet, you subscribe because there must be something in my words that you find interesting and/or enjoy reading. So surely I owe it to all of you to let you in a bit more? So this blog is from Sharon the person, rather than Sharon the professional!

I hand wrote this blog yesterday as I lay in bed in hospital having chemotherapy put through my veins. I was diagnosed with Stage 3a, Grade 3 Womb cancer on the 1st December 2022. Yesterday was my first treatment after having major surgery in January but enough of that!

So yesterday was Valentines Day. I hope, for those of you that celebrate this day, it was a happy one for you. Sadly for me, last year’s Valentine was the last one I celebrated. On the 16th February my lovely, caring gorgeous {very NON-abusive} husband had a very sudden unexpected massive heart attack and was on life support until sadly he passed away on the 23rd February 2021.

  • Number 1 reason I don’t like February!

The day before, I had seen on the news about the premiere of a new film starring Lily James and Shazad Latif, called – What’s Love got to do with it’?

I was reminded of the Tina Turner song and also the biopic of her abusive relationship with Ike Turner, also called – ‘What’s love got to do with it’?

The day before that, the 12th February marked 35 years since my abusive ex husband jumped out of my wardrobe and stabbed me in front of our 2 year old child. It also marked the last time he ever hurt my – well, physically anyway. After this incident he went to prison for a long time, which I have spoken of previously in my blogs.

So I got to thinking – What have I learnt in the last 35 years? and crucially, What DID love have to do with it!!??

Things I have learnt!

  1. I am a great actress! I can act being absolutely fine when really I am falling apart inside!
  2. I am a bloody good mother. I protect my two daughters fiercely even if it means I put myself in harms way, which of course, I did when I was trying to protect my eldest daughter from my abusive ex – her father.
  3. And LOVE has everything to do with the above. The love a mother has for her child/ren can not be underestimated – EVER!
  4. But I have also learnt that too much love can be unhealthy and dangerous. I have loved so fiercely on my survival journey that at some points I have almost become the person in need of control and power in order to protect the people I love. This is NOT GOOD but I have learnt valuable lessons from it.
  5. I have learnt that I really am fantastically good at my job! I am not an imposter or a fraud as I felt I was for so many years!My mother (who sadly I did not have the best relationship with) once said to me after seeing me on GMTV, speaking about Domestic Abuse – “You used to be a nobody, but now you are a somebody!”. For the avoidance of doubt, this was not said as a compliment! and affected my confidence for years afterwards. Well, guess what?? YES! I am somebody!!
  6. I AM Strong! Even though I don’t feel like I am most of the time! I have loved and lost. I have fought a chronic illness for the last 25 years (Crohns Disease) and in the last two years I have become a widow and discovered I have cancer which I am now fighting.
  7. I am a good and kind person.
  8. I have learnt that HE didn’t love me. Maybe he thought he did? Yes, actually, I think he did. But his love was borne from a childhood where his mother left him with a father who didn’t love or want him. I am not excusing him. Far from it. We all have choices and can make the choice not to be abusive no matter what our background or experiences. His love was about possession, being in control and keeping me with him at all costs. He could never tell me why he did the things he did to me. Except, perhaps he did without even realising it. Very soon after going to prison for stabbing me there a period of time when he was being able to send me daily letters from prison. I soon got this stopped! but in one of these early letters he wrote that he felt like a child who had lost his mother! I feel he knocked the nail on the head when he said that! Though I don’t think he understood the implications of that then, or perhaps even now!

Love, of course, had nothing to do with it for my ex husband. The lack of love in his formative years? Maybe, but probably not!?

But for me – Love has had everything to do with it for me in the last 35 years.

The love I have received and felt from my family, from my healthy relationships, friends, the many hundreds of women I have worked with over the last 25 years. Some of them still in my life, most not, but I hope they remember me. And most importantly, love has everything to do with my two daughters. Aged 37 and 31 now. The daughters I have fought for, protected and raised in the last 35 years.

35 years ago, my then husband stabbed me. My husband who claimed to love me more than life itself and yet tried to take my life, in front of our 2 year old child.

Do I wish none of the domestic abuse ever happened? Do I wish he had never stabbed me? Yes, of course. And yet…………………………….

If it hadn’t of happened, who would I be now? What would I be doing now? Would I have learnt any of the above things if I hadn’t of experienced the abuse? Would I still be who I am today?

No, I don’t think so!

SO

Yeah, love has got everything to do with it! But I still don’t like February’s!!!

 

A little side note to you all –

I may not always be able to release a timely blog every 10 days, in the next 3-4 months as I have no idea how my cancer treatment will affect me but please know that all of you continue to make such a huge difference to my life. I can hand write my blogs when I am in hospital and have more time to just think about what I want to write to you all. Those of you that make a paid subscription to this blog, please know that your subscriptions are keeping Sharon Bryan Consultancy Community Interest Company ticking over whilst I am not able to actively work on it or run Freedom Programmes. To all of you that subscribe. You are helping me! Your interest in what I write, your comments on my blogs, your ‘likes’ – keep them coming because they mean so much.

dog biting Thank You mail paper
Photo by Howie R on Unsplash

 

‘No More Walking on Eggshells is free to everyone who is interested in the issues of domestic abuse. However, if you would like to make a paid contribution, I can assure you 100% this will help keep Sharon Bryan Consultancy CIC ticking over and continuing to help women experiencing domestic abuse.

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  • I first met Sharon back in 2000 when I went into a refuge she worked in after fleeing a violent relationship. I had two babies and virtually just a bag of clothes and a few toys with us. She helped me with appointments with the police, solicitors and..

    A survivor of domestic abuse.
  • I was fortunate enough to meet and work with Sharon when she was the Advocacy Manager at Woman’s Trust and I was working for Westminster City Council. During this time Sharon developed and managed the Independent Domestic Violence Advocacy Service..

    Ainslie O’Connor – Principal Advisor for the Department of the Premier and Cabinet – Adelaide, Australia.
  • Thank you so much for all the support you have given me. You really have been amazing, and to be honest, I wouldn’t have been able to cope with Child Protection without you. The amount of strength you have given me is totally priceless, even with..

    A survivor of domestic abuse.
  • I knew Sharon as a work colleague over ten years ago. At the time, she was supporting vulnerable people, some of them were homeless due to domestic abuse and substance misuse. For me, assisting such people was what anyone in her role would be expect..

    Ted Chanza, Head of Market Operations, Airtel Malawi Ltd, Lilongwe, Malawi, Africa.
  • I have known Sharon for 6 years and have had the pleasure of working alongside her when I chaired the Westminster MARAC. Sharon is a committed, empathetic supporter of women who are or have experienced domestic abuse. She regularly goes the extra m..

    Former Chair of The Westminster MARAC.
  • I was fortunate to have had Sharon as my support worker after 17 years of domestic violence and 4 children that had witnessed and gone through it with me. I was finally strong enough to stand up and protect myself and my children. Without Sharon’s ..

    A survivor of domestic violence.
  • Without the support and constant reassurance of Sharon, I know for a fact that I wouldn’t be where I am today. I am forever grateful to her. She is extremely dedicated and knowledgeable, having her on my side when dealing with someone as persistent..

    Anonymous survivor of Domestic Abuse.
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