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July 9, 2022

Reactive Abuse – What is it?

Over the years, women that I have worked with, and more recently, women on my Freedom Programmes have described to me how they have felt that they were to blame for the abuse they experienced from their abusive partners.  They felt that they too, have been abusive in the relationship and their partner/ex partner’s have told them that they are being abusive and that they are merely retaliating!  They tell me they have argued back, yelled, screamed, thrown things and even been physically violent and that surely if they are doing these things they must also be abusive?!

I have always known that this is most certainly not the case.  But trying to explain it has been tricky.  Until now!

I have started seeing lots of articles about ‘Reactive Abuse’.  I’m not actually sure if this is a new phenomenon or whether it has always been there but it has never caught my eye before!  This article below explains ‘Reactive Abuse’ really well.

Reactive Abuse: What It is and Why Abusers Rely on It – Break The Silence Against Domestic Violence (breakthesilencedv.org)

I am often told by women on my Freedom Programmes that are still in the abusive relationship that once they have been doing the programme for a few weeks they find themselves reacting differently to various behaviours of their partner, where once they would ‘react’ by shouting and getting upset and frustrated, they now see that this is a tactic their abuser is using to exert control.

They therefore, do not ‘react’ in the same way anymore and they feel that their partner is confused by this.  They are!  We are no longer ‘reacting’.  We are responding which involves really considering how we react to a situation.  Therefore, what we are actually doing is taking back some of that control that our abuser has over us.

No wonder he is confused!!!

  • I first met Sharon back in 2000 when I went into a refuge she worked in after fleeing a violent relationship. I had two babies and virtually just a bag of clothes and a few toys with us. She helped me with appointments with the police, solicitors and..

    A survivor of domestic abuse.
  • I was fortunate enough to meet and work with Sharon when she was the Advocacy Manager at Woman’s Trust and I was working for Westminster City Council. During this time Sharon developed and managed the Independent Domestic Violence Advocacy Service..

    Ainslie O’Connor – Principal Advisor for the Department of the Premier and Cabinet – Adelaide, Australia.
  • Thank you so much for all the support you have given me. You really have been amazing, and to be honest, I wouldn’t have been able to cope with Child Protection without you. The amount of strength you have given me is totally priceless, even with..

    A survivor of domestic abuse.
  • I knew Sharon as a work colleague over ten years ago. At the time, she was supporting vulnerable people, some of them were homeless due to domestic abuse and substance misuse. For me, assisting such people was what anyone in her role would be expect..

    Ted Chanza, Head of Market Operations, Airtel Malawi Ltd, Lilongwe, Malawi, Africa.
  • I have known Sharon for 6 years and have had the pleasure of working alongside her when I chaired the Westminster MARAC. Sharon is a committed, empathetic supporter of women who are or have experienced domestic abuse. She regularly goes the extra m..

    Former Chair of The Westminster MARAC.
  • I was fortunate to have had Sharon as my support worker after 17 years of domestic violence and 4 children that had witnessed and gone through it with me. I was finally strong enough to stand up and protect myself and my children. Without Sharon’s ..

    A survivor of domestic violence.
  • Without the support and constant reassurance of Sharon, I know for a fact that I wouldn’t be where I am today. I am forever grateful to her. She is extremely dedicated and knowledgeable, having her on my side when dealing with someone as persistent..

    Anonymous survivor of Domestic Abuse.
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