#NoExcuse

Today is the start of the 16 days of activism against gender based violence. This is an annual international event which starts on the 25th November (International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women), and ends on the 10th December (Human Right’s Day).

This years theme is #NoExcuse.

In my day job at NCDV, we always try to mark the occasion by doing something. This year we are doing a social media campaign to raise awareness of domestic abuse and violence. Every day, our call handlers and case workers speak to dozens of victims/survivors. So we asked them to write on a post it note just one of the things a victim/survivor had told them. An excuse their partner or ex partner had given them for the abuse they were perpetrating. The result has been extremely powerful and has also been a reminder of what we are all doing to raise awareness of domestic abuse. Of course, I work, breathe sleep domestic abuse (that sounds really weird!) but everyone can do something. All of you that subscribe to this blog are doing something. And if we all do something, then we are raising awareness.

One of the reasons I was drawn to working at NCDV is because their mission is to make domestic abuse socially unacceptable. I think NCDV are the only domestic abuse organisation to have this as their mission. All other organisations want to end it altogether. How is that ever going to happen?

Recently, there was a documentary on television (in the UK), in which Queen Camilla spoke about the work she is doing with domestic abuse organisations to END domestic abuse. I confess, I have not watched the documentary but I am aware of its content. The reason I have not watched it is because it annoys me! It annoys me because I personally feel that giving the impression that domestic abuse can be stopped altogether, gives a false narrative. Far be it for me to criticise our Queen. I think it is wonderful that she has put her support behind the work we are all doing. However, in the UK, we have a justice system that is broken. For all the positive changes in legislation that have come in as a result of the Domestic Abuse Act 2021, what is happening on the ground level tells us a very different story. There is an all time low in the trust women have in the police. Literally every day, we see news stories about yet another woman killed by her partner or ex partner. The ‘problem’ isn’t going away. If anything it is getting worse.

Sorry if I sound negative, when I say, we are not going to END domestic abuse and violence. All the time our society and our justice system is giving the impression that it is ok for men to be in control and be the stronger sex, we are going to see violence against women.

But to make it socially unacceptable – Yes, I do think we can do that. Let’s think about some of the things that years ago used to be OK but are now no longer socially acceptable.

• Drink driving
• Wearing a seat belt
• Smacking children
• Using a mobile phone whilst driving

When my eldest daughter was a baby, I used to put her in the car with no restraints or car seat. That now, sounds awful and I am sure if I did the same today, I would get pulled over by the police and charged with something. But then, it was ok because there was no awareness or laws around not doing that. I wouldn’t dream of putting my year old granddaughter in my car without being properly and safely strapped into a baby car seat.

Now if we apply those thoughts to domestic abuse, do you think we can make it socially unacceptable? What can we do to make domestic abuse socially unacceptable?

I am sure that NCDV’s mission is frowned upon by some of the other organisations because the narrative is, and always has been, to END domestic abuse. But by buying into this narrative, are we not doing victims and survivors a dis justice? Of course, I want it to stop. Everything I have been doing for the last 28 odd years has been because I want to stop it happening. But it isn’t going to happen any time soon. And so the best we can do is to try and make is socially unacceptable in the same way as drink driving, and wearing a seat belt etc. Because if you make something socially unacceptable, eventually, by and large, it stops!

I want to just reiterate that everything I write on this blog are my own personal thoughts. What I write is most often, the ramblings in my mind that I feel I need to get out and write down and/or share with other people. You don’t have to agree with what I say. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and should voice it.

I hope this blog makes sense. I am aware it may not. I just wanted to share my thoughts on this with you and today felt like the right day to do that.

If you are on social media, please do follow NCDV on the various different platforms and like and share our campaign #NoExcuse. And please feel free to comment on this blog and tell me if you agree with me and also if you don’t.

Let’s create our own focus group to raise awareness.